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  #1  
Old 10th January 2008
Rod Souter
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Tourist questions

Shamelessly lifted

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humor.
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how
do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks( Sweden )?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
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  #2  
Old 11th January 2008
art frames's Avatar
art frames art frames is offline
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Re: Tourist questions

Brilliant.... absolutely priceless
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  #3  
Old 11th January 2008
Haisbro Haisbro is offline
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Re: Tourist questions

Also in Oz I have also seen posted copies of a flying log of pilots who report problems for ground staff to fix, and replies from somebody clearly related to above.

H
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  #4  
Old 11th January 2008
j.baker j.baker is offline
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Re: Tourist questions

Thats a great find. It made me laugh.
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  #5  
Old 11th January 2008
BigD
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Re: Tourist questions

very funny, if only our country could be less pc.
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  #6  
Old 11th January 2008
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flying haggis flying haggis is offline
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Re: Tourist questions

Quote:
Originally Posted by Haisbro View Post
Also in Oz I have also seen posted copies of a flying log of pilots who report problems for ground staff to fix, and replies from somebody clearly related to above.

H
these??


Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Mechanic: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Mechanic: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Mechanic: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Mechanic: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Mechanic: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Mechanic: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Mechanic: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Mechanic: That's what they're for.

Pilot: I.F.F. inoperative in O.F.F. mode.
Mechanic: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Mechanic: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Mechanic: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Mechanic: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right & be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Mechanic: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Mechanic: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Mechanic: Took hammer away from midget.
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  #7  
Old 11th January 2008
BigD
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Re: Tourist questions

lmao very good
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  #8  
Old 11th January 2008
Jim
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Re: Tourist questions

Very good
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  #9  
Old 12th January 2008
Ellie Ellie is offline
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Re: Tourist questions

*chokes on coffee*
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