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  #1  
Old 25th February 2013
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A weekend from HELL 2

I nearly posted this on Jons and then cut back and paste here


I ended saying to Jon "Your not alone ..."

I had the most Shi*te end of week and weekend of my life (since I lost my dad) ... my eldest son phoned - that was nice on Wednesday unusual for a weekday call but to say ... the Cancer he had in 2008 ... is back ... in the Pancreas and he is on Morphine while they try and think what is best to do for him ... I thought "doom and gloom" it can be fixed (being a POSITRON/FIXER in Myers Briggs Personality Type) We have friends who are Oncologists

he did not want fixing - but sobbing and sympathy - I did some as "required" .

He felt some "Ghosts should be laid to rest ... one of which being 'WHY did you take up childminding? but work when we were young . WE (he and his two brothers) feel I rejected them then and now PREFER other peoples babies/Toddlers ..." the phone calls and emails carried on over the weekend ...

He is spirralling downhill ... his dear wife ... no more to say there lots of things have been said ... common sense has run away


Yeah well ... there aint no Insurance policy to make it all right here

... and he cannot understand the mortgage rate went from 6.5% in 1972 to 16.25% in Sept 1973 and it was Mum work or we all lose the house - and THE DEPOSIT we saved hard for, years to put down

He cannot understand that "my choice NOW is being home with children making up for lost time with my own babies/toddlers" apart from I am not IT at the top of my tree now just an old has been "EX SPURT" ex as in PAST (IT) and SPURT as in DRIP under PRESSURE

Well, a good thing ? No Avida Ins. Policy as Jon BUT

... I am now divorced NO KIDS ! .. as his brothers do agree with what he says about me rejecting them ... and preffering other peoples babies/toddlers now ! SO shall I write a book for Mums not to go back to work or if you do go back to work - DO NOT CHILDMIND in Retirement or your children will feel rejected by you and if you seek to "explore" their thoughts and feelings they EXPLODE
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Old 25th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Oh dear, Chevvy, that really was a cr*p weekend, what sad and dreadful news.

It's hard, but don't take it to heart - he's no doubt frightened by the reappearance of his illness and is lashing out indiscriminately. His brothers, too, will be in distress and shock. All you can do is be there for him when he needs you, and he's bound to need you in the comming months.

Sometimes parenting can be the hardest job in the world, however old your children are.
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Old 25th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

John, Thank You - you are quite right ... we were all in shock and they were lashing out and I was trying ... too

My dear dad used to say "when your children are young under your roof thats great UNTIL they start going further afield as an adult ... then you never sleep until their key is in the lock ... and when they leave home you worry more and can fix less" HE was right
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Old 25th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Jeeze, Chevvy, my heart goes out to you, across the waters, as they say. I don't think your kids know what a gift it is to have parents to complain to/about in the first place. Maybe? My own retreated into alcohol, for their own reasons, so I never had an "adult" conversation with them. Nonetheless am grateful for my childhood, at least, and other things too. Mom worked, we grew up stronger as a result. But the blame game runs deep in two of my siblings. Why am I talking about myself...sorry...guess it's sort of common for children to turn on their parents. When I meet someone who has a good relationship with either parent, I congratulate them, enthusiastically. It's a precious thing. Rare, too, perhaps...
You're a strong spirit, I think, and will survive this.
There's an Oscar Wilde thing I ponder from time to time:
"Children begin by loving their parents, then they hate them, finally, they forgive them."
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Old 25th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chevvyf1 View Post
...
he did not want fixing - but sobbing and sympathy - I did some as "required" .
He felt some "Ghosts should be laid to rest ... one of which being 'WHY did you take up childminding? but work when we were young . WE (he and his two brothers) feel I rejected them then and now PREFER other peoples babies/Toddlers ..." the phone calls and emails carried on over the weekend ...

.. as his brothers do agree with what he says about me rejecting them ... and preffering other peoples babies/toddlers now !
Umm, it looks like you have at least three sons who think suddenly it's quite alright to be complete T___ to their old mother.
How does that work?
I'm always as nice as I possibly can be to my Dad and my Mam when she was alive : being less wouldn't occur to me, and if I had any criticisms about my own childhood they'd be saved up until my parents are gone.

Any way that's my opinion : Illness is no excuse to be a sh___.
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Old 25th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Ulfric speaks true ..... BUT your son's recurrance of a terrible illness must be putting him under strain - a type of strain which different people express differently. All you can do is be yourself. Be a Mother to him still, but always remember to take care of YOU. Feel free to PM if you need to get things off your chest.
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Old 25th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

A heartbreaking situation Chevvy I do hope it all turns out OK one way or another.

Chin up
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Old 25th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

I really hope things get better and soon Chevvy.
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Old 25th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Stephen, Iain, Ulfric and Greg, well yes one things got better - my middle son has realised "never comment until you walk a mile in another man's shoes" is true and he see's my situation as then

Which is nice
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Old 26th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stewart G View Post
Jeeze, Chevvy, my heart goes out to you, across the waters, as they say. I don't think your kids know what a gift it is to have parents to complain to/about in the first place. Maybe? My own retreated into alcohol, for their own reasons, so I never had an "adult" conversation with them. Nonetheless am grateful for my childhood, at least, and other things too. Mom worked, we grew up stronger as a result. But the blame game runs deep in two of my siblings. Why am I talking about myself...sorry...guess it's sort of common for children to turn on their parents. When I meet someone who has a good relationship with either parent, I congratulate them, enthusiastically. It's a precious thing. Rare, too, perhaps...
You're a strong spirit, I think, and will survive this.
There's an Oscar Wilde thing I ponder from time to time:
"Children begin by loving their parents, then they hate them, finally, they forgive them."
It is not so weird, what our children do - its just them lashing out for "our sins" as they see it. My sons said " yey we loved the holidays all over the world, the nice house, the ponies, the quad bikes as children - BUT we would have been happier with you looking after us ... they cannot YET see that if I stayed home the "extras would never be"

I had to get a few "Set Texts" off the bookshelves and read ... "Toxic Childhood" and "The Price of Privilege". What I did was "Chequebook Parenting".

Ever noticed how famous people say "we had nothing, sat under the brolly in the pouring rain on Blackpool Beach for a day trip - eating fish and chips, but we were a happy family "

I should know better now - I have been on Workshops with Sir Richard Bowlby and Sir Robert Winston on Attachment and Child of our time - in my OU (Open University degree courses) and they speak of "Relationship Poverty". Which I find difficult to truly understand, in my children - as we had such a VERY strong bond ... until they met their girls/partners/wives and started to seriously criticise me.

Actually, thinking about it, they were justifying staying hoem with their children Ker-pling LIGHT BULB just gone on ...

Stewart, thank you ! I have just got my head out ... and making sense of it all

I know I am not unique. It seems the more we give our children, the more they EXPECT from us, and what we have is THEIRS, but they want it NOW ! ... There was a pair of twin sons in California who murdered their parents for their Inheritance NOW ! some years back and a friend of mine who husband died leaving a solid money making family business to the sons, got mum to take early retirment and leass than 20 hours ... then made her redundant and sold all the assets and her home was repossed as it was security to the bank - it was in the Guardian on the front page and she was with me devastated at the time and died not long after most likely shock bought on the heart attack.


Thing is, my sons are all three, with their own business, very independent not mummys boys molly coddled - but "given their wings" when the strings were cut, quite early.

I dont expect to hear from the eldest and youngest for some time ... many years maybe
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Old 26th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Chevvy,
What a heartbreaking piece of news.
It makes my moans and groans seem totally pathetic.
I sincerely hope things improve for you and as others have said, I hope they improve very quickly.
It goes without saying that all of us on this forum offer you our support and strength.
Keep us informed if you wouldn't mind.
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Old 26th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Jon, Thank You so very much

Life throws us the odd "curve" and we all get them - losing my dad was my last "curve".

To be honest, I dont expect to "hear" much for some time - letting the embers of the fire burn out


We have lots of friends who are in the same "boat". We have never seen much of our grandchildren and thats probably why I took up minding other peoples babies - THAT and having to work to KEEP our home - So I am trying to make up for lost BABY time and BOY HAVE I ! we have had over 70 in 10 years and rarely a broken nights sleep

... (as we rarely have babies overnight - although we did used to have "no sleepers on a friday night" so that Parents who had not had a NIGHTS SLEEP in 9 or 10 months :eek - got a nights sleep and we took baby back at 11am on Saturday So they could have breakfast in bed or at a nice coffee shop - ALONE in peace

I and their Baby would be up at 11pm and 2am 4 am and finally at 6am for the day BUT I EXPECTING & KNOWING it and then at 11.30am I took a nap to 1.30 and Nick woke me with Lunch ... and we had an early night ! THAT was my bit "of giving back" for our "community"

x hugs to all
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Old 26th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Oh dear, sorry to hear all that, Chevvy. My wife was a child minder when our kids were growing up, same reason, mortgage to pay, and I don't think they hold that against her. Also our kids both got used to staying with grandparents for the odd weekend now and again (and sometimes longer). I don't think it did them any harm. On the contrary they've both grown into strong and confident young adults.

I hope your sons come to see sense sooner rather than later.
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Old 26th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Roger, I am childminding in retirement - I worked in Systems Design and worked on contract so away lots

Funny thing is, friends who had young children and childmind got aggravation from their own children, to stop, so that "their home" was not filled with other peoples kids ...

you can't win
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Old 26th February 2013
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Re: A weekend from HELL 2

Gosh Chevvy absolutely stunned at reading this. I just don't have the words to offer any help, I just wish I did.
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